Well let's start off optimistic, okay?
Sacanime went amazingly well! I was expecting something to go wrong all day and fortunately I was wrong. I guess I had some negative premonitions considering the debacle of the last convention and well, the entire summer; I mean overall I enjoyed Fanime, but random parts of my armor kept getting broken and my company was absolutely rude to me all day and made us leave early. And this time none of my friends even wanted to go, not even that they were busy they were just like 'meh.' Luckily my cousin and his friends were willing to go, and they loved it so much they're down for the next one too. And the armor held up all day YAY. I got a ton of photos and got to be in another music video. I love doing those, when I watched it for the first time I shrieked an inhuman sound out of happiness. Everyone was nice and having a great time and for the first time in a long time I was genuinely happy.
Lots of mixed feelings about heading back to Davis this fall. I ended spring quarter with a record low GPA and an emotional breakdown, not to mention I feel like everyone is just barely tolerating me. I guess I can't blame them, I'm so embarrassed about how inadequate I am in comparison. Apparently I made it into the university by the skin of my teeth because it's clear how grossly out of my league I am with all these braniacs.
On the plus side I'm finally medicated for my ADHD and anxiety disorders. I was pretty nervous about being prescribed Adderall, what with all the stories of abuse and addiction I've come across. I haven't even told anyone I'm on it, and I don't really plan to. Mostly because I hate how I need a crutch just to keep up with the average students. My psychiatrist says when I learn to manage the ADHD the anxiety should go away, which sounds absolutely fantastic. And maybe when all this chronic craziness starts to fade, I'll feel comfortable around my peers again.
I think I finally analyzed why I unabashedly love cosplaying so much. Shortly after the convention I was packing up my stuff to bring back to college with a heavy heart. Call it post-con depression, but in addition I was (and still am) really dreading starting the daily grind of anxiety that awaits me in Davis. Sadly I packed away all my armor and props, knowing I won't get to wear it for several months, at the least. I always thought I loved wearing that N7 armor so much because of how confident and comfortable I am with myself, that I can walk into a full convention hall with countless eyes turned to me and feel no social anxiety because I know I look damn good. But it's actually much deeper than that, which I realized after obsessing over my GPA and social standing so much. It's because I've felt so inadequate and sub-average in school, like my parents are paying so much to send me to this great school and I'm blowing it. And I'm almost 20 freaking years old and no guy has ever wanted more than one date with this mess. Insecure is an understatement.
But when I cosplay, I'm literally doing nothing but standing around while wearing something I made. And I get so much genuine commendation and admiration from random people who are, within a few seconds of seeing me, under the impression I'm actually good at something. And I will fight anyone who makes me out to be an attention whore, because if I've ever needed kind words it's now; since I've spent the better part of this year losing my sanity and crying into a box of cereal.
Suffice to say, it's the only time I feel proud of myself; for just a few days a year, I get to be more than inadequate.